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sweetXdisaster
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Country: United States
State: North Carolina
Birthday: 8/6/1989
Gender: Female
Interests: Cooper Temple Clause, Tool, Led Zepplin, The Shins, The Postal Service, Wilco, the Black Keys, Jeff Buckley, KILL BILL!, Snow Patrol, Prodigy, , Miles Davis, Delerium, Aphex Twin, Snoop Dogg, ...etc
Occupation: Artist
Message: message meEmail: email me
AIM:  knowbyheartt
Yahoo:  kisstheskyy7
Member Since:
12/13/2003
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| but I don't think I'm ever going to find true love
it doesn't exist for me
maybe I don't deserve it
but I need to stop clinging on to the past and move on with my life
He does not love me, and he never did.
Even if he did, his way of showing it is way off of what I want in Love.
I hate watching damn movies and music videos where people are in love. are there really people who just understand each other, and are always laughing and comfortable, and really can read each others minds, just feels what the other person feels, really cares when they are upset and likes to listen to the other persons ideas, loves to surprise them and make them happy with little things here and there, loves to please them in every way, even sexually? DOES THAT EVEN EXIST?
after being with Jeb I realize how well I was treated by other guys I dated, and how much I took for granted. I always assumed every guy I dated would lavish me in attention.. well i finally found one who didn't and I didn't know how to handle it. I'm so used to being fawned over and making the guy fall for me so easily and always having him at my beck and call which sounds HORRIBLE but no guy seemed to mind before.. are other guys just pathetic? I don't get it, being around Jeb so long has fucked with my head and self esteem. I guess he's humbled me but I was never cocky before!!
I'm sick of crying every night, feeling lonely, not remembering what its like to be touched and held by someone who cares, or someone at all.. I miss having someone who doesn't mind my kisses or my flirting, who enjoys my touch and craves it.
Jeb shies away when I touch him, refuses to kiss me, and hugs me like a damn camp counselor. even before we broke up it was like this, but he lets me sleep in his bed and suck his dick, which I only do to feel close to him in any way possible. its pathetic but i still like to make him happy in that respect. does he ever return the favor? HELL NO. sometimes he teases me by playing with my boobs(i'm guessing only because they're big now), or cuddling while we sleep and then claiming he doesn't remember or didn't mean to, but flirts with girls online behind my back, has kissed one or maybe more of them.. but tells me it means nothing and he just wants to hang out with them.. which is bullshit.. i've never fell for such a load of SHIT before.. WHY DO I LET MYSELF BE BLIND? i guess I want him to love me so badly i'll overlook anything to make him happy... BUT I DON'T MAKE HIM HAPPY. and i'll have to deal with this the rest of my life if i have his kid.
i feel disgusting.
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| and I couldn't feel any freer
you laughed like I thought you would
and told me I was crazy like I knew you would
and looked like a total idiot like I hoped you would
I feel sorry for you
because you'll never know true love.
"who the fuck do you think you are you stupid fucking bitch?"
Oohhh Jeb, you look so ridiculous and scared right now, like a little kid.
We are going to have one stubborn child.
You'll wish you had stayed around to see how he turns out.
but who cares about that
Now I can focus on more important things.
I'm done with this.
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| the sooner the better
its your fault for leading me on, you were too nice and you know it.
i really wish you wouldn't have allowed this to happen
you put me down for everything, every idea i have is stupid to you, i try to confide in you and get laughed at, i ask you for advice and you tell me you can't make my decisions for me, you want me to hate you, i wish i did, I have to hide my true feelings from you so i don't feel stupid or insecure, i don't even know myself anymore. I've lost my personality. i don't know what i'm supposed to be.
you make me feel worthless
and stupid for crying
like i do it on purpose
like i'm always mean to you
which is fucking bullshit
we've been the same way for the last 8 months
it will never change
i will never be happy with you or make you happy
when i'm away from you i'll truly see that
i will have this baby and be happy and never talk to you again
and i will know true love when that happens.
I WILL BE HAPPY ONE DAY YOU CANNOT STOP ME. I WILL HAVE DREAMS AND GOALS AND ACHIEVE THEM AND LOOK DOWN ON YOU AND LAUGH FOR EVER TELLING ME I WOULD BE NOTHING.
ONE DAY YOU WILL MISS ME AND KNOW THAT THE MISTAKES WE MADE COULD HAVE BEEN FIXED
AND YOU'LL CRY
AND I'LL TELL YOU TO STOP TRYING TO MAKE ME FEEL BAD
LIKE YOU DO EVERY DAY
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| I need to figure out what love is. Obviously I've been wrong every single time I thought I was in love. and now, with a child in my body that nobody wants, Love is the only topic on my mind. Can I completely give my love to a child when I feel no love? When I feel as though I don't deserve love, can I let that child love me? In my mind, a child should be born into a world full of love and hope, not a crying, lonely teenage mother's pitiful existence. Is it selfish of me to have this baby so someone will love me, forever? I feel that that is worse that giving a child up for adoption.. at least with adoption I know the baby will have a family who loves it, completely, w ho can give him/her what they need. I am so scared. I have nothing, but that's no reason to be irrational. This is someone else's precious life we're talking about here... I don't trust myself to take this seriously enough. I need you, Jeb.. I need your wisdom now.. once upon a time you wanted a child of ours.. now I don't believe a word that comes out of your mouth.. it's my fault you lie to me.. I should never have made you distrust me.. that is my one mistake I will always regret.. but that doesn't help now. You should have told me long ago that you don't care. I wish I wouldn't have found out now, pregnant with your child, miserable, stuck in the same house with you alone for weeks. I can't handle being around you and thinking about this baby at the same time. Portland will be a relief and a nightmare. I'm going to lose you, no doubt about that, but what will I do with myself? You were all I had left. My best friend, we spent all our time together. We still do. Karma is such a bitch but I have no right to complain. This is owed to me, and I find it sufficient punishment. I deserve this. Lacey, Jeb, you two I regret the most.. but that doesn't include the dozens of other people I've used or let down or given up on because I was bored. Living my life to my satisfaction, something that used to make me feel so strong and sure of myself, feels completely false and ridiculous now. Now that I have nothing, I've reached rock bottom, I feel like it shouldn't have taken THIS for me to wake up. I had so many good friends, so many amazing people that I knew.. WHEN DID I GET THIS BAD? I have to completely start over. Lacey is so smart.. she's always been one step ahead of me. Why didn't I listen to her? I am in so much pain I don't even know how to piece myself together again
and I have a child to worry about now.
I cannot get an abortion. It is out of the question.
Adoption will hurt but that is the least selfish choice I can make.
I want this child so badly..
I have no idea where to begin once I get to Portland
I'm so scared.
and alone.
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| its a big wake up call on the way you treat people to have only your roommates and your mom notice your birthday
it's my fault, really. i'm a complete bitch...
but still..
all i can think about is getting jeb back to the way he was in the conversation we had on my last birthday.... so much has changed
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